Pastoral Psychologist's striving -- my divine call

Sorry, and Thank you.

Sometimes I am afraid I get your grumpiness, your irritation, I do learn a lotfrom you, and including that as well... (just that I still haven't learned yourcrafts)..Thank you for reassuring that good research can still be done and confirm thatshit research/paper is everywhere. I got a 'vomiting' feeling to see the sameold paper being published everyday..and I am worse than them, so even if I workharder I can only be one of them..this is a suffocating thought.

I take all these years here in an ivory tower...some kind of suffering ortraining..I don't trust govt hospitals, existing system very much (ai ai..this is so muchlike Ben..), existing CP services / training..shit..I don't know if such things exist at all when I had this inner urge (divinecall) (now there is some similar org in HK), I would work from a Christian community, or church setting to bring about such researched, and human-centred,theologically-sounded psychotherapies.

The thing is, Christian communities/org is not grounded too well inpsychopathologies, and research-based knowledge, and the integration oftheology and the complexities in psychology not very well done (still in thebeginning)...etc

But church-setting is definitely my ultimate home, and not a govt hospital oruniversity, though I may need to stay there in the meantime...Up till now, there is still the impression that only not very professionalpeople end up in church setting, and it is like a great limit in careerdevelopment to fixate in a church/Christian community.

I don't think I can do this (ai x 100times)... but I feel the urge (divine call)to bring solid (well-researched & theoretically grounded) psychotherapiesintegrated with Christian spirituality INTO Christian communities/org, and thatis ultimately for Christians and NON-Christians. So far, I find Jungianpsychoanalysis and existentialism the closest, and I am at the moment seriouslyattracted to Jungian....(to the point of spending thousands/month on it...so Ineed $$$ ai x 10), and from the theology side, Paul Tillich, and Karl Bath the closest.

ai ai ai it is such a long road.. My idea above about pastoral service is quitecontroversial, at least non-traditional, and on that end I have been fightingtoo...well after some years, at least my own church is ok with it, and more andmore churches see it that way too... (after these many years).It has been a long struggle and will continue...

In all these struggles..of course many delicate politics involved, and in these years I find that univ and business com politics has lots of similarities, butchurch politics are like completely different and very er er...and lots ofprayers to see through these, I tell u... can't survive without the prayers andthat vision given by my God.

Cheers,

---------------------------------

er... you still don't know me? or mainly because MD/PhD is higher paid and more respectable than a pastor or psychotherapist (with similar years of> training)?

I am confident that I am a good psychotherapist, just that I don't know what> kind of therapy suit me yet. But u r right, I am sure I can get a MD, not difficult compared to being an academic.

I find being an academic person difficult, (not just because I am dyslexic), is that I am less and less persuaded by the paper-producing community that they> are getting closer to the truth, getting more benefits to humanity.

The overhead in getting rubbish to publish in order to survive, to get the right politics in order to survive is so high, and it leaves little room for pursue of truth. So much time and effort has to be spent in survival meaningless business.... especially I am not very smart and I am a bit perfectionistic, after getting over the stupid business, I really have little energy left for good science...

I want to solely indulge myself into the clinical training...but I have no money... It really takes a lot of heart...well...again I guess I suffer from perfectionism.. I don't know how to move.

The whole academic business is suffocating. I still remember what u said, "technique of writing/presentation has to do more than data in getting publication" well...so where is the truth...? No matter what data say, the author persent his/her faith, and try to get the data to support.

At the end of the day, I just want to help, make some real improvement on people's lives. Than data/paper to help me to survive in the ivory tower, because I want a certain level of living...

Can I earn my living by something more meaningful? If it means a lower standard of living..ha..ha ha..well not as low as in India gwa.

I went to villages in Thailand recently on a short missionary trip (with Thai govt's support), I absolutely enjoyed and having been dreaming of longer stay ever since...

HOnestly, can one still get the thrill in doing research???

I guess I need to shift to some topic where I have the competence in doing good research, or else I'd just dry up.

In these two-3 days, my mind is full of plan about divinity training as it has been in my call, and I fear that I might lose it as my love for Jungian grows, or maybe they are complementary, but it just takes so much time.

My biggest concern: when I give birth and raise a baby, when can I have the time, energy, heart, focus, money to do all these? And I thought that I might not be able to do Thai work if my baby is just 1-2 years old??? Well, actually, I think this is more possible as I don't have to worry about his/her education. If he or she is already 3yrs old, then I have to leave him or her behind in HK ??? I really can't.

And I think I'd face lots of opposition from parents about bringing a small baby to Thai villages and that it might get hurt or so... I don't think so at all!

I think it is a great opportunity for me to take a rest, focus on baby raising, away from work, and just do divinity courses in that half year.

I dream the dream ~~

I find cognitive rehabilitation psychologists in the
Yale Community Medical Center. I wonder if I can
further specialize and find a
good Christian clinical psychologist as my
mentor there?? Or that I may be a
blessing for Christianity for my
respectable future mentor who also needs
Jesus...

I feel at peace, although it also sounds extremely impossible ~

I research about cognitive remediation and do my clinial internship on psychiatric patients utilizing group and community approaches as the main axis, and less on individual therapy. Really bring about social and therapeutic contributions for patient's quality of life.

~~What about their spiritual needs? How would I guide them and leave them to their own free will and God's sovereignty (God's free will)? What and how to approach psychiatric patients' spiritual needs? I don't want to get into the dynamics of theology and psychology as if competing dominance over secular world.

From my concern over spiritual needs for my patients, and my continual experience of God's action in my work, and my church...

I would like to take up divinity studies at the same univ. In just a few blocks away... and I see their openess and all... After my licensure, maybe do 2 subjects per semester for 2 yeas (max) as nondegree student at YDS, and transferred up to 1yr of work for MDiv or MAR.

"Successful completion of a course is noted on the student’s transcript, and transcripts will be mailed to other institutions upon request. If the student desires to enroll for a degree, the regular admission procedure must be followed. After admission as a degree candidate, students may petition the Professional Studies Committee for an evaluation of the work they did as nondegree students. The maximum number of courses that can be accepted from work done as a nondegree student at the Divinity School is eight courses toward the M.Div. or the M.A.R. (concentrated or comprehensive) degree requirements "

I don't know if this is also what my
Father seek for me...

I want to know my
Lord...

I don't know why I don't have the peace of mind, or maybe due to my own suspiciousness, or my guardedness in attempts trying to integrate theology into therapy and yet doesn't sound like theology, appeal to common yearns of men in bringing out therapy... hiding away from the
philosophical and theological adherance of it... and also doesn't seek a serious
Christian faith as the basis for its practice....

Or utilizing some therapy into
Christian arms without highlighting or addressing Christian use... I may be
wrong about the purpose of such integration, but I somehow don't have the
confidence and peace of mind to follow it and indulge myself into it. It is
something that I can just practice and currently don't see that I can research
about it.

I don't know why I have this reluctance
towards the idea..

God, should I write to LH anyway and also
apply to thier Christian-based internship anyway???

~~~~~~~~~~

I am learning to be a Christian along with my professional role in my career
setting. I don't know how to adjust the sincerety, authenticity, professional
goal-directed qualities in different roles and expectations by colleagues or
classmates or collaborators ...

Does anybody know how competitive and what is it like for Christian-based Internship programs in Washington or in Boston??

I am doing a PsyD (Doctorate in Clinical Psychology) program from California off-shore. That means I do all the coursework and placements in my locality, in China, and then I do my internships (pre-doctoral and post-doctoral) and licensure exam in US. It is a very innovative & controversial program, certainly no one has heard of it, I believe.

I am the first-intake of this program, and no body really knows what'd happen to us, and whether we'd get to the stage for licensure exams... Our program is quite certain that they'd get California pre-doctoral internships for us. As they are the largest PsyD-producing institute in California, and they have connections to take in bilingual Psychologists. As all of us are Bilinguals or Trilinguals, so getting an internships that serve Chinese in California is kind of easy for them. And, only a few of us would like to go to US to get the US license, anyway... People can earn much more here than in US, for most of my classmates, they are professionals already here...and so being a Clin Psy in US doesn't sound too attractive.

But I like the well-established CP system, psychological service in US. Very much advanced than that in my hometown. And there is a long history of Christian integration of Psychology and theology, pastoral counselling here in US than anywhere in the world, and not to say my hometown.

Therefore, I want to get Christian-based internships. OR internships at Psychiatry Department in an university (like medical school), as I can then go on with my brain imaging research. I am not sure which way I should go. I haven't discerned that from God..yet.

Language concerns
I have been working with an Irish-boss in an English-speaking research team in univ. for 7yrs or so. Therefore, I am fluent in English, but with a Chinese accent and mostly British pronounciations. I can serve both Chinese or English-speaking people. I am able to do simple conversation in Thai, but don't think I can make it up to the standard of carrying out a psychological assessment in Thai, but in Chinese and English, absolutely no problem.

Where do you think I can get information regarding Christian-based PsyD Pre-doctoral Internships in US (esp Washington & Boston?)

I would like to learn from experience of students participating or those who know people who are doing such Christian-based PsyD or PhD in Clin Psy in US!!!

I can download information from the official websites, but I know NO ONE who can share his/her experience with me ah...

Any personal referral?????

Thanks Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!

Date: 26 Sept 2005
Dear Pastor,

Thank you for your quick response and attention regarding my pursue of my
calling from the Lord to do integration of theology and psychology as a
life-long theme.

In 1997, I prayed hard to place my life in God's hands when I graduated from
BA(Hons) Psychology, UK, so I wouldn't get lost in busy life/career when I
started my working life in HK. In the same year, I baptised in UK (Baptist church), and joined our Truth Lutheran church. Teacher Ip was my tutor on introduction to Lutheran church, and she heard that I wanted to study how psychiatric people believe in their delusion, and the difference with our believe in CHristian faith, etc. She bared first witness in our church to my undertaking to use my gifts from God.

Since 1996, I learned in my prayers that my gift from God is empathy, and I
responsed to my call to use this gift under the guidance of God to fight
against sin in one's heart. So, I asked God how to live up to this call, and to
cut short, His instruction was:

1) build up research skills (the way to accumlate effectively clinical
experience)
2) learn more about psychology, psychiatry, our brain functions in cognitive
and emotional functions
3) practice what I learn in real people

So my actions to answer these 3 instructions of God:
1) 1998-2002 MPhil in Psychiatry
2) 2004-2007 PhD in Psychiatry (brain imaging)
3) (plan) 2008-2011 PhD in Clinical Psychology so I can practice as a CP

Yet, no one can fight sin except through the strength of the Holy Spirit, so in
sum God's instruction for me during my prayers:
1) strengthen my faith through serving in the church community
2) strengthen my faith through prayer experience to see His work on others
3) fundamental theology training

My actions in response to God's instruction:
1) 1998-1999 bible study group leader
2000-2003 fellowship committee (bible study, retreat camp)
2004 library committee (secretary)
2005 head of library committee, adult sunday school teacher (Samuel)
2) 2004-2005 group leader for a group of substance abusers, lots of grace
experienced through counselling and praying with them
3) 2002-2003 do day-time study in China graduate school of theology in DipCS
But this was just an introduction, so I know exactly why I need to do more
theology and why MDiv in particular.
The call that I am heading towards is to use the language of psychology to tell
the story of theology for people who are sicked (bound by sin) at heart. So I
need to go through fundamental theology training so I can practice church
ministry, and then move towards ThD or PhD in theology (psychology).

My plan of theology training:

1) 2005 - 2007 While I have a relatively flexible schedule during my PhD in
HKU, I'd take some individual theology courses from Lutheran theology seminary.
This would allow myself to test whether I suit to go further on in theology.
The courses taken can allow me to contribute to a MA or MDiv if I want to
enroll into MA or MDiv later (2005 - 2015).

2) 2007 - 2008 Plan to apply through our church into MDiv program for 1-yr
full-time study. In LTS, I can take 8yrs of part-time and 1yr of full-time
study to complete MDiv. If not doing MDiv, I plan to do MA for 1yr of
full-time.

3) 2008 - 2011 With my experience in psychiatry and psychology, it is quite OK
that I can get into a 3yr PhD in Clinical Psychology. With this clinical trainning, I can practice as a qualified clinical psychologist.
During these 3 years, I'd continue to take MDiv or MA as part-time. I intend to complete either in 6-7yrs

4) 2011 - 2013/4 Practice as Clinical Psychologist. Still continue to do MDiv or MA on a part-time basis

5) after 2013/4 When I finally graduate in MDiv, I'd practice church ministry,
and hopefully under Lutheran church.

This is just a preliminary blue print which I have in mind to guide my action. I
have taken 2 courses in LTS and 1 spiritual trainning in To Fung Shan for this
semester. I have shared at length about this vision and plan with Teacher I
and Teacher La last week, and I have contacted Ms Mak Mi Wah upon the
recommendation of Teacher I to apply for the theology study fund (for the
congregation).

In short, there are 2 years for us to see if I am suitable for further theology & pastoral ministry
trainning, and in which seminary, while I take some individual courses in LTS.
Although I prefer LTS, I am still open whether I should do in some other
seminaries. We can review this after I finish the first 2 courses in Dec. I
would be too glad to hear your advice.

THank for reading such a long email.
Working hard....,