Pastoral Psychologist's striving -- my divine call

Sorry, and Thank you.

Sometimes I am afraid I get your grumpiness, your irritation, I do learn a lotfrom you, and including that as well... (just that I still haven't learned yourcrafts)..Thank you for reassuring that good research can still be done and confirm thatshit research/paper is everywhere. I got a 'vomiting' feeling to see the sameold paper being published everyday..and I am worse than them, so even if I workharder I can only be one of them..this is a suffocating thought.

I take all these years here in an ivory tower...some kind of suffering ortraining..I don't trust govt hospitals, existing system very much (ai ai..this is so muchlike Ben..), existing CP services / training..shit..I don't know if such things exist at all when I had this inner urge (divinecall) (now there is some similar org in HK), I would work from a Christian community, or church setting to bring about such researched, and human-centred,theologically-sounded psychotherapies.

The thing is, Christian communities/org is not grounded too well inpsychopathologies, and research-based knowledge, and the integration oftheology and the complexities in psychology not very well done (still in thebeginning)...etc

But church-setting is definitely my ultimate home, and not a govt hospital oruniversity, though I may need to stay there in the meantime...Up till now, there is still the impression that only not very professionalpeople end up in church setting, and it is like a great limit in careerdevelopment to fixate in a church/Christian community.

I don't think I can do this (ai x 100times)... but I feel the urge (divine call)to bring solid (well-researched & theoretically grounded) psychotherapiesintegrated with Christian spirituality INTO Christian communities/org, and thatis ultimately for Christians and NON-Christians. So far, I find Jungianpsychoanalysis and existentialism the closest, and I am at the moment seriouslyattracted to Jungian....(to the point of spending thousands/month on it...so Ineed $$$ ai x 10), and from the theology side, Paul Tillich, and Karl Bath the closest.

ai ai ai it is such a long road.. My idea above about pastoral service is quitecontroversial, at least non-traditional, and on that end I have been fightingtoo...well after some years, at least my own church is ok with it, and more andmore churches see it that way too... (after these many years).It has been a long struggle and will continue...

In all these struggles..of course many delicate politics involved, and in these years I find that univ and business com politics has lots of similarities, butchurch politics are like completely different and very er er...and lots ofprayers to see through these, I tell u... can't survive without the prayers andthat vision given by my God.

Cheers,

---------------------------------

er... you still don't know me? or mainly because MD/PhD is higher paid and more respectable than a pastor or psychotherapist (with similar years of> training)?

I am confident that I am a good psychotherapist, just that I don't know what> kind of therapy suit me yet. But u r right, I am sure I can get a MD, not difficult compared to being an academic.

I find being an academic person difficult, (not just because I am dyslexic), is that I am less and less persuaded by the paper-producing community that they> are getting closer to the truth, getting more benefits to humanity.

The overhead in getting rubbish to publish in order to survive, to get the right politics in order to survive is so high, and it leaves little room for pursue of truth. So much time and effort has to be spent in survival meaningless business.... especially I am not very smart and I am a bit perfectionistic, after getting over the stupid business, I really have little energy left for good science...

I want to solely indulge myself into the clinical training...but I have no money... It really takes a lot of heart...well...again I guess I suffer from perfectionism.. I don't know how to move.

The whole academic business is suffocating. I still remember what u said, "technique of writing/presentation has to do more than data in getting publication" well...so where is the truth...? No matter what data say, the author persent his/her faith, and try to get the data to support.

At the end of the day, I just want to help, make some real improvement on people's lives. Than data/paper to help me to survive in the ivory tower, because I want a certain level of living...

Can I earn my living by something more meaningful? If it means a lower standard of living..ha..ha ha..well not as low as in India gwa.

I went to villages in Thailand recently on a short missionary trip (with Thai govt's support), I absolutely enjoyed and having been dreaming of longer stay ever since...

HOnestly, can one still get the thrill in doing research???

I guess I need to shift to some topic where I have the competence in doing good research, or else I'd just dry up.

I was actually in the middle of registering on Fuller IDL last night as I fell asleep..
And then I woke up at 10am and completed it and fell asleep again...

so in the whole dream of divinity education and pursue...

I look at all the courses on IDL and was really feeling very excited about it.
I was amazed to find Ray Anderson there, author of ON BEING HUMAN, offering an IDL there and using a very creative test/assignments... I hate writing papers... so he hasn't got that at all... just answering 4 exam questions... I like that a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so exciting and full and books all over me....
almost like the feeling of closeness and intimacy and comfort of being lightly and warmly sexually aroused....

In these two-3 days, my mind is full of plan about divinity training as it has been in my call, and I fear that I might lose it as my love for Jungian grows, or maybe they are complementary, but it just takes so much time.

My biggest concern: when I give birth and raise a baby, when can I have the time, energy, heart, focus, money to do all these? And I thought that I might not be able to do Thai work if my baby is just 1-2 years old??? Well, actually, I think this is more possible as I don't have to worry about his/her education. If he or she is already 3yrs old, then I have to leave him or her behind in HK ??? I really can't.

And I think I'd face lots of opposition from parents about bringing a small baby to Thai villages and that it might get hurt or so... I don't think so at all!

I think it is a great opportunity for me to take a rest, focus on baby raising, away from work, and just do divinity courses in that half year.